by Glückliche Aprilscherz
As of today we have new leadership in the USAWA! Out with the old and in with the new and happening. The NEW ORDER is bringing many new things to the old, stodgy USAWA. First of all, DRUGS! Lots of them. Plenty of steroids, spheroids,asteroids, hemorrhoids, HGH, UGH, SheGh, WeallGH! Let’s face it. That’s what the masses want! We don’t want to fall behind the times do we? Of course not!
The next big move will be supportive gear. Super suits, super wraps, super shoes, super britches, super bras, super socks, and my favorite…. super long johns! There will be a special line of gear that is endorsed by the USAWA. We have partnered up with a hydraulic firm that will put hydraulic jacks in our lifting suits. I just got my “fork lift” gym shorts and immediately squatted 5000lbs! It made me feel like a real man, too!
Rules…….NO MORE RULES! Who needs ‘em! We just fight over them and it makes everyone feel bad. The rulebook takes forever to read and who wants to read! Just make stuff up and pass everything. Heck, no rules means we don’t need judges! That’s a bonus! Who needs someone looking down their nose at you while you are lifting making you do a legit lift that has some semblance of correctness. Just slop it up and down….or just down…who cares!!!!
Winning? Well, that’s not with the times fellas! There will be no losers in the USAWA. Everyone will be a winner and feel great about themselves. The new judges tree will simply flash white lights whenever you step on the podium….or EVEN BEFORE! Just show up…heck, don’t show up…and we’ll give you a trophy. Why should you lift heavy weights and get all sweaty? Why should you suffer from low self esteem because you aren’t the strongest man in the world and you have worked out for at least 20 minutes for 3 or 4 times. You should be rewarded for just trying….heck…forget about even trying…you should be rewarded for just wanting it “real, real bad”.
Money!? Who needs it. It only screws things up. So the meets will be totally free. Someone else will do all the work, too! This is my favorite part. I have even proposed that we go all professional and we all get paid THOUSANDS of dollars for showing up to meets (or not showing….just thinking about it hard enough and should be rewarded). The USAWA will immediately petition the government for stipend to make this happen. We also propose that we all be able to quit or jobs so we can just workout. I’m sure that will be fine….I’m sure there’s a whole bunch of people out there that like to work and give away their money and why not give it to people who are deserving….LIKE US!
So, welcome to the new USAWA! And we will make today our special holiday! Happy April 1st!