by Thom Van Vleck
Caber Hills – A new, exclusive gated community for the Heavy Events Athlete
I have found investors (mostly golfers who are tired of being terrorized by us) who have agreed to provide the financing for Caber Hills. This will be a gated community, mostly gated to keep us in rather than anyone else out, and will cater exclusively to the Heavy Events Athlete and his or her special needs.
Homes: Caber Hills will be built exclusively from log homes that will include nothing but cabers turned at 12:00. Our expert crew will build our home with a Heavy Events theme. Hammer and caber wall paper, all caber wall construction, stair way rails made out of hammers, Braemar Stone fireplaces, 28lb light fixtures, Grandfather clock with caber hands and a hammer pendulum, and 56lb counter weights.
Club House: The Caber Hills Club House will include a computerized throwing range. A projector will show the fields of some of the greatest games sites in the world. Such as Estes, Pleasanton, McFearsome, Calendar, Scotland, and more. Athletes throws will be computed and a high speed digital camera will analyze technique. The club house menu will include beer, Cokes, and 3lb T-Bones. Nothing else. The Pro Shop will include 50 kinds of tacky, Hammer adjustments, Bobby Dodd, Malcolm Doying, and premier equipment. A massage therapist will be on hand that looks a lot like that St. Pauli Beer Girl.
Field: The Athletic field will be the finest in the world. A shooting range will offer buckets of hammers, 28’s, 56’s, and stones (large or small buckets). Our ball boy drives a tank. Exploding Hammers are offered on a limited basis. The athletic field is all natural grass with constant divot repair. Flat and sloped fields are offered. Caddies will retrieve weights and are equipped with engineering equipment to find the slope. Heavy Event Carts (much like golf carts, but 4 wheel drive and a 350 cubic inch, 4 barrel carb) are provided free of charge to members. There is a Braemar Putting Green and a Caber Fairway. Cabers available in increments of one inch and one pound all the way up to “Seqouia” size.
Call today to reserve your building site at 1 (GET) – CABERED. And remember Caber Hills….”where we always round up” and we never, ever, never, use a knock off bar.
CREDIT: The Braemar Stone Tablet, Volume #3 Issue #3